Fat boy apples

So I was at work the other day, when the topic of apple picking came up.  I asked my fellow co-workers what they would be making with their apple booty.  I got the standard answers: apple pie, apple cake, apple sauce, apple turnovers, and apple bread.  Being the rational thinking, level headed guy I am, I in no way cursed them out for being “unoriginal hot dog entrails” or “leporatic”, instead I offered my well thought opinions on potential new apple delicacies.  Remaining even keeled and my volume at a non-embarrassing level, I calmly explained my first idea.

1.)  Candy apple cider.  It’s a basic twist on the traditional hot apple cider most folk find quaint, or fall-like.  You get your hot apple cider, then simply add caramel to the mix, top with whipped cream and peanuts (my original wording may or may not have replaced the word peanuts with my nuts.)

After wooing my fellow office slaves with a new treat, they began forming around me like poor English folk form around Robin Hood.  They asked me curiously “Do you have any other ideas?”

“Do I have any other ideas?” I replied questioning the audacity of their question.  “Of course I do”  I said matter-of-factly, though my brain shook its proverbial head disapprovingly because I had no such ideas.

Ever the quick thinker, I came up with:

2.) The fried apple surprise.  Take a piece of dough, butter it up, cut up apples, place them in the dough, sprinkle cinnamon on top, fold crust over forming an apple calzone, deep fry that fucker, top with powdered sugar.

The gawkers ooh’ed and ahh’ed.  I had them eating the apple of my eye out of the palm of my hand.  (that sentence doesn’t make any sense but it sounds good so I’m leaving it.)  But coming up with hit after hit only leaves the faceless mob wanting more.  I told them “I will give you one more idea”  My brain was in super freak out mode, my mind had attained a level of stillness rivaled only by George W. Bush (too soon?).  Sometimes you paint yourself in a corner, and you must call for help, admitting you have made a mistake; however, I did not feel this was one of those times.  So in my panic I came up with:

3.) Fat boy apples.

This apple had no idea what was about to happen to it

This apple had no idea what was about to happen to it

As you can see you will need an apple (your favorite kind, I went with Macintosh), chocolate (again preference here is key, I like milk chocolate), ice cream (fuck your preference, something with peanut butter cups in it dammit!), caramel, and a paring knife.

Step 1) you cut a hole in that box…errrr….you cut a hole in that apple.

cut the core out, it's the only way to kill them!

cut the core out, it's the only way to kill them!

No seriously, cut the core out.

Step 2) You put your di….skin the apple

I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti

I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti

OK, so I am not really handy with kitchen things, so the apple doesn’t look great, but I was trying to not cut my fingers off, so get off my back.

Step 3) Melt the chocolate…muahahaha

Pictured above: Oprah's swimming pool.

Pictured above: Oprah's swimming pool.

Step 4) Apple, have you met chocolate?  Chocolate this is apple.

That's ig'nant.  That apple put on black face

That's ig'nant. That apple put on black face

Make sure to coat the inside of the apple with the chocolate as well.  Think of the chocolate as a protective coat for the apple.  A very delicious protective coat.

Step 5) Put it in the refrigerator for about 10 minutes, or however long it takes the chocolate to harden.

Step 6) Where you at ice cream and caramel?  First heat some caramel, not too much as it is only a “sauce”

you...you eat that?

you...you eat that?

So what you see above is the peanut butter cup ice cream filling the previously hollow hole, and caramel drizzled all over the apple, as well as circling it on the plate.

Step 7) Eat the shit out of it!

I almost let him get it

I almost let him get it

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