Beware the IdeAs of March

Anticipation is letdown’s brutally ugly, ill-intentioned Mother. 

Did you know 74.3 % of all statistics are made up on the spot?

A mission can be cloak and dagger, but not singularly cloak, or dagger.  Why is it that the application of both a cloak and a dagger can connote a missions secrecy, intrigue, and potential danger, yet these items by themselves make the mission sound stupid and childish.  “Oh man, that mission was so cloak”…or…”I just got back from North Korea, total dagger mission”

When a dog dreams, (that is its legs are kicking and maybe it’s even woofing a little), and it suddenly wakes up, does it know it was dreaming?  Or does it just accept the fact that it was previously running loose in a snausage factory, gobbling up all those delicious treats and then instantaneously transported to the doldrums of its life back on planet your house?  Is no one studying this?

If you had superpowers would you be a super hero or a super villain?

I think instead of telling people not to judge a book by its cover we should be more open and honest and say, “just because you aren’t physically attracted to someone, doesn’t mean they suck”  I feel like not enough kids understand the implied innuendo, the subtlety of metaphor, in fact, it would surprise me if anyone takes the time to think anymore.

Northern New Jersey has the world’s best pizza and bagels, New York City is an extremely close second, and no where else even comes close.  Chicago, your pizza is too thick, and requires the sacrifice of a few good tomatoes.  Boston…stick to seafood.  LA, it doesn’t matter how anything tastes since you will either, A)not eat it B) vomit it back up immediately, or C) get surgery to take care of it.  Washington, you are a joke, you are not a city, you are a district, an unwanted bastard child Maryland and Virginia.  Also, if you currently have any frozen bagels in your freezer, or have EVER owned any, you are automatically disqualified and deserve to have your taste buds removed with a piping hot poker.  If you think that Dunkin Donuts makes good bagels, die.  If you get your bagels or pizza from a chain restaurant, I feel sorry for you, I really do. 

Love, like happiness cannot be bought, but it can be leased.

loose…lose…loose…lose (one of them means to not win, the other means not tight, please use them correctly)

Why are people always looking for shoulder to cry on?   I want to cry on some hot chick’s tits.

If you were Tom Hanks in Castaway, when you get back, what do you do?

If my walls could talk they would be pissed about all the paint in their mouths.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure…I think we need to discuss what sort of trash we are talking about, because if someone ever picked up a used kleenex and threw that shit in a fucking treasure chest, I’m calling the goddamned authorities. 

It is a fact that no matter how much you try, no  matter how much patience you have, there are just some people in this world who suck so awfully that you cannot help them.

-Me, like 30 seconds ago….bitches.


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