First fruits of the harvest

WHAT?!?!..what the hell does first fruits of the harvest mean?  Well my dear chap, in Africa in means Kwanzaa.  Yes that’s right Kwanzaa. 

Are you like me?  are you one of the 5.9 billion people on this planet that have no idea what Kwanzaa is, despite being taught what it is 7 consecutive years by the New Jersey public school system?

Well I am not really here to educate, since I have no clue what it is, I figure this website pretty much sums it all up.

Now that you are well versed in Kwanzaa, here is my list of complaints.   

1.  They say it isn’t meant to compete with Christmas or Hanukkah; however it begins the day after Christmas, and since Hanukkah is a floating holiday, there is a chance it can overlap.  Also while we are discussing Hanukkah, here is my problem with it.  The story goes, a bunch of refugees only had enough oil to light their lamp for one night, but for the grace of yahweh himself, they got 8 nights out of it.  WRONG.  Clearly what happened was whoever was in charge of the oil for the lamp, had no idea what he was talking about, they clearly had 8 nights worth of oil.  NEXT….MOVING ON.

2. or more like 1.5 .  If Kwanzaa is not competing with Chrismakkah, why the menorah?  They call it a Kinara, but damn it, I know a Menorah when I see one!

3.  The holiday came into existence in 1966.  It’s not even traditional, if not made to compete with the other kick-ass holidays, then why not put it in some other month, you know, a month that doesn’t already have a major holiday in it, like August.

4. Part of the celebration is to decorate your home in an African motif.  OK wait..like a fucking Christmas tree for Christmas or holiday lights?  Come on Kwanzaa.

5.  You give gifts.  Only whereas in Chrismakkah you give good stuff, for kwanzaa you give stuff you built.  While it would be cool to get something original from an artist, or a musician, I don’t want a plank of wood glued poorly to another plank of wood with the words “I LOVE YOU” sloppily written with black sharpie on the side. 

6.  It’s not religious, except let me quote the last sentence of the libation statement.  “For the creator who provides all things  great and small.  If that isn’t a reference to god then I don’t know what is.

7.  Even people who celebrate Kwanzaa don’t know what the hell it’s all about.

Look Kwanzaa, you are totally trying to compete with Christmas and Hanukkah, and Hanukkah was pumped up to compete with Christmas.  It’s OK, just come out and say, hey, if you aren’t christian or Jewish, or even if you are, and you don’t want to celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, why not give our holiday a shot?

Well it would disappoint Kwanzaans everywhere to discover that another holiday, which started in 1966, is more widely known than Kwanzaa.  I am of course talking about Festivus.  Sadly a completely made up holiday is more popular than….another completely made up holiday.

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