The Sports Paradox

Sports.  No, not the Huey Lewis album, but the thing on TV.  The bane of most girlfriend’s existences, sports, while not exclusive to men, is pretty much dominated by them.  Guys routinely will devote ungodly amounts of time just to sit on a couch/bar stool, and watch sports. 

The Sports Paradox refers to all forms of sports media other than the actual game itself.  Sports is seen as a very manly thing, very ROOOOAAARRRR and GRUNNNTTTTTT, and high five, slap butt (wait, why did Bob just grab my ass?), and chest bump (chest bumping is way cooler with girls).  What is seen as a faux pas, is a man, a manly man, who does not know about sports.  Let me set a scene:

Jim enters his local drinking establishment, the house lights are dim, and on the HDTVs are various sporting events.  Jim sets his 6’3″ hulking frame on a stool, removes his hard hat, and places it on the stool next to him.  The force of Jim’s manly hands ramming the hard hat down, cause plumes of grit, and grime to come off the helmet, causing the two men next to him to cough.  Jim looks at the bartender, and orders a Budweiser.  Jim asks the bar keep for a match, to which the man in the apron replies, no smoking sir.  Unfazed, Jim strikes a match against his 5 day stubble and the sulphur ignites in a blaze of what can only be described as pure man-god-coolness.  As Jim puffs away on his Marlboro red, one of the  men sitting next to him says, ” hey, did you see that pass Favre just threw?”  Jim replies “uhh, yeah..the..uhh..pass catcher..guy..did a…funny dance thing after he caught that..uh..pig ball”  The man looks at Jim, and asks “you…you don’t know football?”  Jim looks down at the floor, and begins sobbing, big salty man tears, “NO!” Jim cries out, “WHYYYY GODDDDDDDD”  He is then instantly transformed into a hair stylist with a lisp, and frosted tips, he runs out of the bar, crying, trips over his pumps, and gets mud all over his soul-patch.

Sad, so sad.  The story of Jim, while fictional, happens to men everyday (psychologically).  Being able to wax sports is a way for a man to show other men that he is in fact, the alpha dog.  (without having to beat up everyone)

In order for a man to understand sports, he must read every article in the sports section of his local rag, or watch ridiculous amounts of ESPN (not advisable).  Now here is where the paradox comes into play.  Any man, worth his salt (we’re talking biblical times when salt was like gold and oil’s bastard son), considers ESPN to be the Antichrist of sports, and wouldn’t be caught dead watching it (except for PTI, that show rocks).  Reading a sports section of a newspaper is like putting your hand in a blender, also it makes you appear weak and effeminate that you have to read a newspaper to follow sports.  So basically men have decided that we all have to know sports, but we can’t read about them, or watch TV to garner knowledge, we simply just have to know………….WHAT ARE WE, FUCKING OUT OF OUR MINDS?

How is it possible to know about sports without getting any information on them?  DAMN YOU SPORTS PARADOX!


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