I’ll blog when I’m good and ready, damn it

I know it’s been a while, but I have been updating the music section with my original pieces, and as talented as I am (he’s like if Michaelangelo, and Leonardo got together and had some sort of super soldier offspring) I can only do one at a time.  I am currently working on a horror story album that I conceived over years of muttering to myself and some pretty intense dreams.  Currently all available resources are going into said album and it’s progress can be tracked on the music page, starting with the song Zero and progressing downwards from there. 

OK enough shameless plugging of my awesome music (oh it’s so awesome, and I’m totally unbiased)

I was sitting alone in my room one night when I realized how terrifying the world is, we live in a world where Santa Claus is now a murdering psychopath and shoots little girls in the face.  We live in a world where Canadians are now chopping off each others heads on buses, but what’s really frightening is we live in a world that cannot stop Chuck Norris.  Oh I know we’ve all heard the Chuck Norrisisms over the years, but my friends they are not legend, they are fact.  Right now, the only thing stopping Chuck Norris from roundhouse kicking me in the face is a thin layer of wood and a puny deadbolt lock; every second I’m without adequate protection is a second I’m putting my life in jeopardy. 

I sat and thought of how I could protect myself to the point where I would feel safe enough to go to sleep without a cyanide pill in my hand and a .357 magnum with uranium encased, hollow point bullets (those would just slow him down) under my pillow.  This is my non-exhaustive list.

500″, double re-enforced steel around my entire house. 

Pros:  Nothing can break through that, not even a nuclear blast, and yes I know that the only things capable of surviving a nuclear blast are cockroaches and Chuck Norris, but all the roundhouse kicks in the world wouldn’t allow Chuck to break into my impenetrable fortress.

Cons: Nothing can get in or out, so no oxygen, and also I wouldn’t be able to leave, so really I am forgoing the roundhouse kick to the head for a slow painful asphyxiation.

A pack of those dogs from that god awful movie Man’s Best Friend

Pros: Those dogs are part rottweiler, part leopard, part bear, part cheetah, and part cute cuddly wuddly hugums.  Chuck Norris would be held at bay while my vicious pack of assault dogardeareetah things sized him up for their next bowel movement.

Cons: I firmly believe that Chuck Norris could take on 4 of these things at once, so it’s a good thing I’ll have 80; however, Chuck Norris would most likely counter by dog whispering all over their asses and turn them on me.  Also in that movie the dog pretty much just killed everyone, including it’s owner, so again I’d be bringing death upon myself.

Hire superman.

Pros: OK, let’s face it, superheroing is not exactly a high paying profession, and these days with the advent of computers, fewer readers get their news from newspapers.  Clark Kent, with all his super powers, has broken every keyboard he ever touched (hey apple doesn’t make a kryptonite coated keyboard…Microsoft might…hmm)  But these days Clark Kent finds himself collecting dollar bills under the assumed name Buns of Steel.  Aside from being a total boyscout, Sups brings with him…oh I don’t know, super fucking powers!

Cons: Chuck Norris generates so much force with a roundhouse kick, that when his foot meets superman’s face, it will be like when the Large Hadron Collider shoots particles at each other, the resulting force will tear a black hole in the universe so big it will end existence as we know it.  Of course Chuck Norris will survive the cataclysm and most likely live out eternity roundhouse kicking dark matter.

Cowering to the point of ugly man crying and self defecation

Pros: Chuck Norris never hits a man when he’s down, so this would ensure my whole keep on living thing

Cons: Having Chuck say, “looks like someone had a croissant for breakfast, fag”  The embarrassment alone would feel like a roundhouse kick to the ego.

 

If you have any ideas, please pass them along, I don’t know how much longer I can live in this type of terrible fear, oh and also I’ve been doing the last one for weeks to ensure he won’t get me.

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