Santa has filed Chapter 7

In a stunning move today, Saint Nicholas, AKA, Santa Claus has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy.  Yes that’s the one where you go under and never comeback.  Citing heavy gambling losses and the bulk of his money tied up with Madoff, jolly old St. Nick could no longer stay solvent.  You may have noticed his rise in commercial appearances this year, but the meager hundreds of thousands he was pulling in from various car companies barely settled his debts with his Las Vegas bookies.  While it is unclear how much money Santa had tied up with Madoff, one thing is clear, Christmas will almost certainly be cancelled this year.  Santa already has craigslist ads putting his workshop, reindeer, elves, and sleigh for sale, there is even an ad under the personal section for a naughty Mrs. Clause to give you some “Christmas cheer” for $100 an hour.  Santa released a statement earlier this week urging people to leave large bills instead of cookies and milk so that he might re-start his life.  In a prepared statement Santa has said the following “Ho ho hello there citizens of the world, for the past 6 billion years I have been living in the North Pole, I’ve been delivering gifts as long as I can remember, from the single celled amoeba, to the mighty T-rex, all the way to little Bobby.  However, it is with a great sadness that I must announce my bankruptcy today.  Rising labor costs, a surge in gas prices (reindeer food), losing my Aaa rating, and now the loss of my entire life savings have left me unable to make any more toys.  Without food, my reindeer will surely turn cannibalistic before eventually having to be put down, I fear the elves might lead some kind of insurrection, and Mrs. Clause left with our insurance adjuster just this morning.  I have no way of making it off the North Pole and fear the worst.  I Ho ho whole-heartedly profess my deepest sadness and apologies to you, the world’s citizens, please remember me fondly.”

The paper is then stained with a deep red/purply salty tasting liquid.  Who knows if Santa will make it out of this mess, perhaps next year he will be back, debt free, and flying a hybrid sleigh with both reindeer and wind power.  Or perhaps he will have to think of new ways to give us gifts, for example, maybe just by bringing us together, we will realize the greatest gift we have stares us in the face everyday and that Santa’s little presents, while nice, were nothing more than the sugar coat on the cookies of our lives.  Or maybe I’m just fucking insane, you be the judge.


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