Infinite money

In times of financial crisis, the average man (or wo-man) looks at himself (or  ho-self) and thinks quite loudly, if I had infinity-billion dollars, what would I buy?

Well I think that is stupid, times are tough, why would I think about buying a swimming pool made of solid moon rock?  (and filled with fast women, and jell-o pudding).  No, in times like these, with the holiday season rapidly approaching, we have to think about what the hell we are going to buy for our friends (nothing) and family (why did they get me those good gifts last year, when the economy was good?).  So let’s look at some inexpensive (which is a fancy word for cheap) gifts.

Stock:  Yes, stock, what better Stocking stuffer than some actual stock?  There are a lot of cheap stocks out there, and they are even cheaper than my next gift idea.

Lottery Tickets: Who doesn’t like a small, rectangular, scratchable chance at free money?  No one, that’s who…wait…did I say that correctly?  everyone likes it, unless you are a compulsive gambler, actually, especially if you are compulsive gambler.

An IOU: Here me out, imagine handing someone a small box, they open it up and an IOU, they will get pissed, but that is when you hand them their real gift, they will laugh it off, and you will have given them two gifts!  Yes, your pockets stay nice and fat (or barely above water) and your recipient has now received two gifts!  (I do not accept IOU’s though, don’t try it, assholes)

Zima: Be careful with this one, some folks out there do not like the awful taste, but think, it’s a collector’s item.

Illegally downloaded cd’s: Know someone who likes music, and has an unnatural hatred for the RIAA?  An illegally downloaded cd, with some artwork could be a good gift, and shouldn’t cost you much at all.

Cash:  Hahahaha, just kidding.

Rent a pet:  Who doesn’t love a puppy? Exactly, they are adorable, now who wants all the responsibility of owning a dog?  EXACTLY.  What if you could rent a puppy? You can give someone the gift of having a puppy, while avoiding responsibility (this will not work on girls who say “awww” when they see a pigeon, eating poop off the floor, she will not give up the puppy)

1 ounce or less of decriminalized marijuana and $100:  If you live in Mass, you know that marijuana is now decriminalized under and ounce, with the offender having to pay $100.  Imagine how excited the person would be?  Although, the last I heard this gift might cost you a lot of money, plus you will probably smoke it all and use the $100 to buy more, and forget about Christmas, so maybe it isn’t a good gift after all, mmm funions.

A unique painting: People are extremely vain and self-absorbed, why not get them a portrait of, well, them, or their dog, or any picture you have?  The price seems to be right with that website, and the work seems up to par.

Alcohol: Not the fancy schmancy alcohol, homemade alcohol.  Imagine giving your significant other a big bottle of your blood, sweat, and tears?  On second thought, maybe a bottle of cologne or perfume might be better.

A vacation: Right now, there are parts of the world doing far worse than us, why not take a vacation there and act like bigwigs?  Currently Iceland, is shitting the proverbial bed, in terms of economy, not to mention they have been recently added to England’s list of terrorist countries.

A gun and ammunition: If you are like me, you are fairly certain Armageddon is coming any second.  If you are one of the lucky survivors, you will need to defend yourself, and what better way to assert your not-to-be-fucked-withedness (stole it from cracked.com) than to buy a portable cannon.  Who knows, maybe in the future you will be a warlord!

Flux Capacitor: Time travel is this years big thing, or not.  (i have no idea)  But what better gift than the ability to travel through time.  Maybe you can go to a better time, like when we all have money.

Tube socks: Nothing says ‘I love you’ like tube socks.

A scavenger hunt: Leave someone a complex web of clues leading them to a gift.  If you are smart, you will have them ending up in the mall, trying to steal something, but they will think it is paid for.  (make sure you video-tape that one)

A barrel of gasoline: Gas has dipped precipitously, but people still think it’s worth a lot.  Imagine their surprise when they open up a giant barrel of gas!

If you are totally broke then do the following: Make sure you give them their ‘gift’ first, sit them down (this only works with significant others) and look them in the eye (don’t laugh) and say.  I went to the finest jewelry stores, I looked in all the flower shops, and I’ve sampled the finest chocolates, but nothing was good enough for you, which is why I am giving you my heart and soul (this doesn’t work if you already pledged these before).  She will totally gush over it (or laugh) and you will either get a bj (or a broken nose when she finds out you didn’t actually get her anything).

Dancing lessons: You always talk about it, why not follow through for once?

The trick: Buy a test-tube, fill it with a non-clear liquid, encase it in something leak-proof.  Put it in a box.  When they open it, make sure you say, wait, what the hell is that?  Then say, “oh my god, that guy the bus, we must have switched, At this point you can claim to have bought earrings/lingerie/bracelet/whatever the hell you want.  This will buy you some time.  Trust me. (don’t trust him)

Really desperate?  Get a friend to beat you up good on Christmas Eve, come home bloody and beaten, then you can get some sympathy while you explain how the street toughs beat you up, and took your presents.

Do you remember the viewmaster?: Imagine getting one of those with some slides of a ‘better future’ or how about anything on this web page?

Well that’s it for now, if you don’t like my ideas then have fun spending money, suckers.

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