And the Winner is…

Bacon! In a monumental landslide, Bacon has become America’s (and therefore the world’s) favorite food.  Having thoroughly crushed his opponent we go live to Bacon headquarters where Mr. Bacon is getting ready to deliver his victory speech.

America has spoken, they love Bacon!

America has spoken, they love Bacon!

B:  “It’s been a long time coming” Bacon is almost out of breath and is fresh off a champagne bath.  “They said it couldn’t be done, no Pork product has ever won the election, well America, we showed the world that change is possi…” BANG

A loud bang resounds through the hall, Bacon drops to the floor, bleeding profusely, his wife, Ham, rushes to his side, the FDA agents grab the culprit in the crowd, and rush him away.  Bacon lies motion-less as an ambulance can be heard approaching in the distance, the shocked crowd is silenced.  Bacon is not breathing, his wife is screaming, and her tears are soaking Bacon’s now lifeless body.  The paramedics arrive, they glance at each other, they know there is nothing they can do.  They rush Bacon to the hospital where at 11:31 PM EST Bacon is pronounced dead.

Details surrounding the mystery gunman begin to leak, and the FDA announces that Monsieur Tofu is in fact the assassin.  An angry nation demands Tofu pay for his crimes against humanity.  While awaiting trial, Tofu is rumored to have soiled himself repeatedly when threatened by fellow inmates.  On the morning of Tofu’s trial, he is found face down in his jail cell, covered in what can only be described as cowardice, and a very large knife lodged in a very delicate place.  Tofu, disemboweled, manages to live (because as we all know the French have no guts).  The trial is pushed back 15 minutes to allow for proper medical treatment, and within 30 minutes Tofu is convicted of being a total dickweed.  He is sentenced to be eaten.  For years he appeals his punishment, only for every appellate court to uphold the original verdict, until he gets to the supreme court.

Zat iz not cowardice!

Zat iz not cowardice!

[Tofu, has chosen to represent himself, again.  He finds to his right, a team of the world’s best lawyers, and in front of him, the 9 United States Supreme Food Court Members: Colonel Sanders, The Burger King, Wendy, Ronald McDonald, Roy Rogers, Emeril, Julia Child, Iron Chef Morimoto, and Chef Boyardee.  We begin with the opening proceedings]

Chief Justice Colonel Sanders begins the proceedings: “I say, I say order in this here court, now.  Today, the fine, upstanding United States Food Court is gonna listen to the case of Tofu pleading for his wimpy life.  You may begin Tofu”

Tofu: Sank you onorable jush Zandairz.  I am appealing my zentonce of deaz by zomeone eating moi.  I am appealing zis ruling not on ze grounds of innozence of ze crime of murdairing le Bacon, but becauze eating me would violate ze athe amendmont.

CS: Alright boy, let me get this straight, you are saying that being eaten is a cruel and unusual death?

T: Non! I am zaying zat I tazte zo bad zat to make anyone eet moi would be cruel and unuzual for zem.

CS: I see, well fancy lawyers, you got anything to add to these here proceedings?

Fancy lawyers: Yes sir, we would like to make it known that Tofu was running for the best food product in America, and now he claims that for anyone to eat him would be a violation of that person’s 8th amendment rights.  Tofu is clearly trying to waste the court’s time and the taxpayer’s money.  We ask that before you agree to make a ruling on this case, you instead throw the case out as frivolous.

CS: That there is a educated point, counterpoint to you, fancy lawyers, we done already accepted this case on basis for appeals, we will henceforth go into our respective quarters and make our rulings on said case.

[after much deliberation, approx. 10 days, the following was read aloud by the Supreme Food Court]

CS: Everyone done be seated, we are gonna read off our rulings one at a time like, starting down there on the end of this here line and finishing with my handsome self.

Chef Boyardee:  Mamma Mia, you a done screwed up a big time Tofu.  However, Chef  Boyardee has a no Tofu based soups because the tofu, she taste a terrible.  It is a my ruling that no one should be forced to you.

Iron Chef Morimoto: [he yells something incomprehensible in Japanese, he pulls out two carving knives and starts banging them on the desk in front of him, he then has a piece of tofu, and instead of cutting it up, he quietly deposits it in the trash]

Julia Child: Well when I was first cooking, we never used soy for anything, it was terrible.  But one day I tried a piece and it was in fact what killed me.  Therefore I submit that it would be a violation of the 8th amendment for Tofu to be eaten to death.

Emeril: BAM! (Thanks, Emeril)

Roy Rogers: Shit man, I wish I knew about you before all my restaurants went belly up.  A cheap alternative to meat that tastes just as bad as the crap we served, still while I could force people to eat you for a profit I couldn’t bring someone to do it for a punishment, unless they let me open some more stores?  OK, then no.

Ronald McDonald: I’m a fucking clown, do you have any idea how awful it is to have kids come up to you all the time and they want you to be funny?  I’ve been feeding those bastards Tofu for years now (why do you think no one goes to McDonald’s anymore) I’ve been poising the people with Tofu.  I say Yes, make a kid eat him.

Wendy: As the only fast food that has anything passable as food (spicy chicken) I don’t think it conscionable to kill any living creature, but since Tofu is nothing but processed soy leftovers, I say we shouldn’t let his soul-less shell have any say in how he dies, Therefore, we can allow him to be eaten.

The Burger King: [He sits there in his creepy mask, he motions to Tofu, then does the hand across throat gesture, like I’m gonna cut your throat, then points to his mouth and shakes his head no]

Colonel Sanders: I say, the only the thing people should be eating is my new chicken sandwich, therefore I don’t think anyone should be eating you.  We done reached a ruling 7-2 in favor of not being eaten; however, you done admitted to killing the best food and therefore, while we was back there we elected to have you killed in a much more suitable fashion.

The Supreme Food Court ruling is announced and America is ecstatic. The execution, which is being picked up by the Fox network draws the largest television audience of all time, 176 million viewers.

Tofu, his belly puffed, his eyes bulging from his head, his tongue, swollen and blue, is pronounced dead just seconds after his lethal ingestion.  Countless people have recorded the execution, and all over the world the violent images of Tofu being forced to eat tofu until he dies are replayed.  What is quite remarkable, is how he never actually swallows a single piece.  Once the tofu touches his tongue, his taste buds swell up to prevent ingestion, unfortunately it cuts off all the circulation to his lungs.  His eyes bulge in anguish, and his belly puffs out, gasping for air.  The final seconds for Tofu were just as excruciating as the pain every poor soul, forced to eat tofu has felt.  Before voiding his bowels, it appeared Tofu mouthed the words “I am zorry”

But all is not lost, Egg and cheese have become America’s favorite food, while they are not as delicious as Bacon, they have been doing their best to promote his legacy.  Including the National Bacon Monument.

May it stand for all time that Bacon is the greatest food, ever!

May it stand for all time that Bacon is the greatest food, ever!


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