Time to vote

TB: Hello this is Tom Brokaw, broadcasting live from the final debate between Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu. Tonight the candidates will reveal their much anticipated running mates.  We have a new format tonight; after announcing their running mates, the candidates will then have a chance to explain themselves and if time allows we will have a question or two for the candidates.  So without further adieu, I will let the candidates make their opening statements.  Monsieur Tofu, you are up.

T: Sank you Monsieur Brokaw.  I would just like to zay zeptembair eleven, zat iz all.

TB: Fascinating.  Mr. Bacon, your statement.

B: Thanks Tom, we as American consumerists are at a cross-roads.  We have been given a choice between 4 more years of fake processed crap, or 4 years of Bacon.  Before I introduce my running mate I just wanted to stress the importance of this election.


B: You ate me? does that mean you are no longer vegetarian?

T: Non, not ate, ATE, i ate your guts, do not call me crap, I am made of soy, zomezing you would know abzolutely nozing about.

I (h)ate your delizeeous guts Bacon

I (h)ate your delizeeous guts Bacon

TB: Gentle-foods please, why don’t we move along?  Mr. Bacon, please, if you will, introduce your running-mate.

B: Sure thing Brok-dawg.  My running mate is none other than egg and cheese.

By the power of Greyskull...

By the power of Greyskull...

That’s right it’s Bacon, egg, and cheese.  A trio so formidable that people eat it at any point in the da…

T: Zis iz ridiculous.  ee cannot ave deux mates l’running.  Ze rules are quite clear about zuch zings.

B: Yeah, and where in the rules does it say you can be French and run for best AMERICAN food?

T: Sacre Bleu, ow dare you zay zat.  I am proud to be Le Franch man…why are you laughing, zis iz not funny.

TB: Please Monsieur Tofu, who have you chosen to run with you.

T: zorry, i ave chozen, l’ours.

TB: I’m sorry, Monsieur Tofu, my French is a bit rusty, did you just say your running mate is a bear?

T: Oui, une bear.  I ave decided zat in ordair to projekt ze mazculine imaje zat iz lacking from ma campaign, I would run wiz ze bear.

apparently they eat this shit in France

apparently they eat this shit in France

TB: I’m sorry Monsieur Tofu, as moderator I have to ask some questions about your questionable choice of running mates.

1. A vast majority of Americans has never tried bear, why would you think this is a good choice and

2. Have you, yourself tried bear at any time?

T: Well Tom –

TB: Please don’t ever use my first name.

T: ze ansair to your firzt questeeon iz many parts, first, ze bear iz not from le Washington, zo ze bear haz not been influenced by yearz of ze zame old boring food tastes.  Secondly, ze bear appealz to ze female vote, becauze, get ready for zis…ze bear iz female dun dun dun –

TB: did you just say dun dun dun?

T: oui, for le dramatic irony, anozair reason for l’ours az my running mate iz because ze bear iz not known nationally, oo knowz, maybe ze bear az bacon zat iz even more delicious zan my opponent.  And ze last reazon is because ze bear can appeal to ze meat eaterz, so a vote for me would alzo be a vote for ze bear.  And to ansair your second questeeon, I am a vegetarian, I have never tried le meat.

TB: Interesting, in an insane way, Bacon do you have a response?

B: Yes I do Tom.

TB: (he called me Tom, he’s so dreamy, i wish i could just eat him now)

B: Tom? Tom, you OK?

TB: huh?  wha..uhh, yeah

B: OK, so as I was saying, Monsieur Tofu has decided against the traditional running mate, because he knows that he needs a gimmick to drum up support.  Look, we are entitled to pick our own running mates, I chose one to compliment my deficiencies, but Tofu has decided to go with a dangerous animal that people do not eat.  I’m not going to say that no one knows what bear tastes like, but it is relatively unknown, I don’t know, maybe people in say, Alaska have tried bear, but for the every day person, bear is an exotic thing.

Take that, bitch

Take that, bitch

T: non you zee, everyday peeple like joe ze plumbair like ze tofu and ze bear.

B: Right, well I guess we’ll just have to see.

TB: Gentle-foods we are running out of time, we have time for your closing speeches. Mr. Bacon

B: America, the time for deliciousness has arrived, with your vote cast for me, you are saying ‘I believe that my food should taste great.’  I want you to look at the ballot and I want the choice to be clear, Bacon is great, a vote for Bacon is a vote in myself, because when you really think about it, when have i ever let you down (cheers reign down) Thank you, America!

TB: Inspiring, I think I will need a clean pair of underwear, now for you Monsieur Tofu.

T: America, you should vote for me because i ave a bear az my running mate.  Sink about it, a Bear az my running mate.

TB: Utterly pathetic.  Well America, the voting buttons are below, the polls will be open all week and on November 4th the results will be announced, Tune back then to see the results.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: