Zero’s guide to parenting

Every time I go out and see parents with their kids, I see people doing things the wrong way.  I am tired of hearing parents say “Don’t tell me how to raise my kids.”  Well if you don’t want me to tell you how to raise your kids, make sure your kids know how to act in MY world.  Little kids running around unsupervised, pooping their pants in public, throwing temper tantrums, and not using their indoor voices, has become a national crisis.  A child, like a dog, is supposed to be a reflection of their owner’s personalities.  Which leads me to believe that this is either a nation of assholes (quite possibly) or that parents are too afraid to raise their kids the right way.

Child or dog? You be the judge

Child or dog? You be the judge

So, Mr. Know-it-all, how should we raise our children?

Let’s start with the obvious, parents are no longer hitting their children.  When little Bobby punches another boy at school he gets a timeout.  A TIME-FUCKING-OUT.  How about Bobby getting a smack across his face?  Let him experience first hand how it feels to get beaten up.  Might make him think twice before sucker punching the kid with asthma because he makes a funny sound when he runs.  But let’s not stop there, kids deserve to catch a beating for a variety of the stupid shit they do.  Let’s review.

When is it ok to beat my child?

If they assault another child, act up in public, say things like “mommy beats me” (because we wouldn’t want them to be liars, if they lie (told you), if they bring home an F, if they bring home a D, if they bring home a C, if they bring home a B, if they don’t eat their vegetables, if they DO eat their vegetables (keep ’em guessing), if they talk back, ever, if they don’t question things, if they laugh at you, if you think it would be funny, and if they cry, because we all know they should really have a reason to cry.

When it is not OK to beat your kids:

When the police are around.

I wear this hat because my parents never beat me.

I wear this hat because my parents never beat me.

We, as a country have allowed our children to be losers; we tell them it’s OK if you don’t win, you were playing for fun.  Yeah, tell that to the hunter who didn’t catch the saber tooth cat and now his family dies a terrible death of starvation “it’s OK, you had fun!”  Obviously in every contest there must be a winner and there must be a loser, but rather than teach our kids that it is OK to lose, we should be teaching them to want to win and never be satisfied with losing, ever.  Losing is a learning experience, you should take from it what you can, and strive to improve upon your mistakes so that when you make it to the Little League World Series you aren’t the ones crying with your face in your mitts, asking for your mommy.

How can I train my kid to be a winner?

Set unattainable goals for your children.  Push them to their limits.  For example, tell your 5 year old child “if you can’t kick a 30 yard field goal in the next 5 minutes you won’t get dinner for a week”  Now either your kid is a prodigy, or most likely he will be going to be hungry for a week.  And you make sure to tell him every day how he can satisfy that hunger, by making that kick.  I wouldn’t be surprised if your kid is kicking 50 yarders before he is 10 years old.  Also, if your kid is a loser, you know the kind, the ones who are picking dandelions in the outfield during baseball.  Stop forcing them to play sports, put them in a ballet class, or an art class and let them express themselves in a way where they can be a winner.  No one ever claimed Picasso could hit a curve ball, but he did quite well for himself (with the ladies).  Also, a lot of parents actually reward failure.  For example: I know you didn’t win the championship and if you hadn’t fallen down on your way to first base you would have won the game, so let’s go get you some ice cream to feel better.


This is how it should have happened.  you fucking fell down?  who falls down?  are you retarded?  you are not getting in this car, you can walk your ass home.  I don’t care if it is 10 miles, this car is reserved for winners only.  Also your allowance has been suspended until you prove to me that you aren’t a total failure.

That sounds about right.

But Zero, I’m not a cold-heartless bastard, how can I do that to my precious little snuggly bear?

Simple, with my method I will personally come to your house and smash you in the face with a common sense stick (also known as a hammer) until you snap out of your PC, pussified view on life.  I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere between 1942 and now, America became soft and fat.

Proud to be a soft, fat, American

Proud to be a soft, fat, American

When out in public with your kids, show some control.  Too often I see parents ASKING THEIR KIDS what they want to do.  Are you kidding me?  Like these little bastards have a rational thought in their head.  This is how a typical conversation goes:

“Hey Timmy, what do you want to go next?”

“I want to go on the bumper car ride”

“Well the line is really long, what about the x rated peep show, there is no line for that?”


“OK, bumper cars it is”

This is how the conversation should have gone.

“Hey Timmy, I’m going into that X-rated peep show and going to see how much for a quickie, here is $10, knock yourself out, kid”

“But daddy…”

“No buts and don’t tell your mother or you’ll end up on one of those milk cartons”

Now isn’t that better?

"Mommy, wouwd you wuv me if i wost?"  "Of course not, I would feed you to those pigeons."

"Mommy, wouwd you wuv me if i wost?" "Of course not, I would feed you to those pigeons."


One Response to “Zero’s guide to parenting”

  1. That’s awesome! I think next time my kids lose a game, I will definitely feed them to the pigeons. Too friggin funny!

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