What Makes Fall So Great?

Nothing.  I live in New England, and people up here have some kind of strange obsession with fall.  I want to discuss this ridiculous view and paint the entire fall picture.

When you see the people it's not hard to understand why they have an unusual affinity for the fall

When you see the people it's not hard to understand why they have an unusual affinity for the fall

People up here love the fall because of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the leaves changing color.  On those merits alone, I would agree that fall is pretty kick-ass, but fall is a part of life, and in life we sacrifice.  So you ask, what must I sacrifice in order to have these things?

1. The weather.  How many people enjoy waking up, and the temperature being below 30 degrees (Fahrenheit, that’s like -1 Celsius, and like -240 Kelvin)?  Not too many hands went up (Hey polar bear dude with your hand up, you don’t count).  The reason the leaves change color is because the Earth is tilting on it’s axis and we are farther away from those precious, precious rays of light. (The Earth does not move, it is the sun that tilts, I do not believe in your heliocentric twaddlespeak..HERETIC).  So in response to less sunlight, the leaves say “Well, fuck this” and die.  Yes, leaves changing color is the same thing as a person who suffocates turning blue.  You don’t see too many coroners saying “oh i love when a bunch of people suffocate, it’s just so pretty, the deep shades of blue…”

Wow, look at the beautiful foliage.

Wow, look at the beautiful foliage.

2. Halloween, this was definitely my second favorite holiday growing up, Christmas still takes the cake though, I mean, whether or not I was a good boy, I still got presents (I think there was something wrong with Santa’s judgement process).  But as an adult (or at least in the body of an adult, with the metabolism of an adult) I find that Halloween is the most ridiculous holiday ever.  I bet the gyms and dentists got together and decided to make this holiday popular.  The whole point is to gorge ourselves on candy.  So we do.  And we all gain weight and rot our teeth.

Little did we know, but Halloween is in fact controlled by a giant Spider

Little did we know, but Halloween is in fact controlled by a giant Spider

3. Thanksgiving, OK Thanksgiving is pretty sweet.  We gather with our families, eat some good food, and watch the Lions get spanked.  I don’t see much of a sacrifice for Thanksgiving, so instead I will talk about the anti-daylight savings time.  You know, the one where we set the clocks back an hour.  Now it gets dark at 2 in the afternoon and when you get home from work it feels like it’s 10:00PM, it’s freezing cold, and you can’t get your fat ass to the gym because you have a dentist appointment.

The way this picture makes you feel, is how I feel about Thanksgiving

The way this picture makes you feel, is how I feel about Thanksgiving

I ask myself, are these things worth it?  If i had my choice between the leaves changing color, Halloween, and Thanksgiving, or year round summer, I would take year round summer.

Let’s review:

The only thing we (guys) really like about Halloween anymore is how amazingly slutty women become on it.  But during summer they dress like that the entire time (within reason).  I don’t need hot, loose women taken away from me to realize how much I would miss them.  Not to mention, in a warmer climate, Halloween and Thanksgiving still happen, there would just be no foliage change.  Could you live in a world where you had to see the leaves change color on the Internet, or TV instead of freezing your ass off and seeing it in real life?  (I could).

So I ask again, why do people really like fall?  I think that they delude themselves into liking the holidays that are associated with fall, they block out all the negative aspects, and pretend that the cold weather doesn’t bother them because they accept that cold weather is a part of life.  I for one, do not buy any of that; I say we boycott the weather, and demand some of that global warming weather during fall.  Let’s take like 15-20 degrees from wherever the global warming thing is (I haven’t seen it, have you?) and let’s just give it to fall.  That way the leaves don’t have to die, the woman can be extra slutty for Halloween, and we can have our Thanksgiving meal on the patio.

Ever since New England borrowed some of that global warming, the fall foliage has looked completely different

Ever since New England borrowed some of that global warming, the fall foliage has looked completely different

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