The Great Food Debate

DR:  Hello, this is Dan Rather, welcoming you to another rousing debate between Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu.  Gentlemen, tonight’s debate will be in the standard format, for those of you at home that is, I will ask a question from the Internet, or a person in attendance will ask a question, you will each have a chance to answer the question.  Now, let us begin with your opening speech.  Monsieur Tofu, you can begin.

Go get 'em boys

Go get 'em boys

T: Sank you, Dan Razzer.

DR: Excuse me?  Did you just call me Dan Razzer?

T: Non, I called you Dan RazZer, i am Franch it iz ma ocscent.  I want to say zat I am privelajed to be ere, competing in ze great food debate…

DR: Thanks, Monsieur Tofu, your time is up

T: But I ave not finished…

DR: OK, Mr. Bacon, your opening speech, please

B: Thank you, Dan.  OK listen up people, we all know that I’m delicious, no one is arguing that, the only knock against me is that I can lead to a heart attack if you eat too much of me.  So I am running on the platform of moderation.  Moderation of other fatty foods that is.  Next time you pick up a chocolate bar, think to yourself, do I want this, or do I want delicious, delicious bacon?

DR:  Delicious point, Mr. Bacon.  Our first question comes from Aveg E. Tarian.  The question reads “With the war in Iraq looming as an ever present Vietnam type quagmire, the question must be asked, “Do you think we should continue the war, and do you think the meat rich diet of the Iraqis makes them more dangerous?” Mr. Bacon, you have first crack.

B: Well I can answer the first part of the question, with two words, Nuke ’em, and as for the second part of the question let me just say that, Iraq is an Arab country, and last time I checked the Arabs invented Tofu.

DR: Tofu?

T: Sacre Bleu, zat iz completely untrue.  Tofu waz invented be ze Chinois.  Now back to ze question.  I would surrendair in Iraq-

B: Surrender?  You French bastard! –

T: Pleaze do not interrupt, I do not like le war, it iz easier to surrendair and be rescued.

Surrender to the Iraqis, I'll show you surrender

Surrender to the Iraqis, I'll show you surrender

DR: Moving on.  Our next question comes from an audience member, a Mrs. Buttersworth. “Monsieur Tofu, you have been called a flip-flopper by Mr. Bacon because you change your taste to whatever your constituents want at that moment, please explain your actions”

T: I am not le flip-floppair.  I taste like whatevair I want to becauze I am ze best food product.  Did you know I can even taste like Bacon?

B: Yeah, and they call it Facon, because that’s what you are MONSIEUR TOFU, a faker.

T: I am not le fakair I am le facon.  I can be tofurkey, or tofoot-jam.  I do not ave to explain myself to ze likes of you anyway, I am Franch.

B: I’ve had enough of this, listen up Frenchy, what makes bacon great is the taste.  People know what I taste like because goddammit, I have a taste!  I stand for something, I don’t choose to go from being fake pork to fake chicken, which by the way Tofu, do you have an identity disorder or something, how come you don’t choose what to taste like and be happy with that?

T: Ze best thang about le Tofu, iz zat I can taste like whatevair I want.  I can give ze peepal what zay want because I can taste like anyzing.

B: Yeah, but all that everything you taste like, doesn’t actually taste like anything.  Your fake bacon tastes closer to crap than bacon.  I just don’t see why you try to be meat, when you’re clearly not.  You don’t see me making anti-tofu.

T: Anti-tofu? zat iz zee most ridi-

B: Yeah, how would you like it if we had bacon that tried to taste like celery, or a strawberry, or what about an all meat veggie-burger?

T: But zat doez not amak any senze

B: Exactly, just like having a soy product pretending to be meat doesn’t make any sense.  Why don’t you just stop pretending to be what you’re not.  You’d be much cooler if you just accepted the fact that you are soy, and you taste like soy.

T: Really, you zink zat I would be cool?

B: Well, no, not me, I think you are a total dickweed, but ya know, other people might find it cool.

T: [crying] oh zank you Monsieur Bacon, I ave been so foolish –

B: Oh man, he’s crying, are you getting this at home, how can you vote for someone like that?

DR: Gentleman we are out of time, closing lines please

T: [sobbing gently] My mozair never loved me

B: America, this November 4th, it’s not rocket science, vote with your gut.

While Bacon achieved victory in the first debate, Tofu was left in a glass case of emotions, how will the next debate unfold?  Tune in next Wednesday

While Bacon achieved victory in the first debate, Tofu was left in a glass case of emotions, how will the next debate unfold? Tune in next Wednesday

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