RIP Zima

AAAHHHHH Zima.  Remember that nifty catchphrase?  Of course you do, you’re an American (You’re a trans-gender German named Ooder?…)  Well despite the fact that we haven’t seen a Zima commercial in almost a decade, those South African bastards (SAB Miller) and those North American bastards (Coors-Molson) have shot Zima right in its proverbial face.

They hired this guy to kill Zima

They hired this guy to kill Zima

For years, Zima wasn’t just another Malternative, it was THE Malternative.  We can all remember where we were when we first heard of Zima, just like we all remember where we were when Biggie got shot (yeah, it was that big[come to think of it, we still don’t know who killed Biggie, maybe the police should be looking for Dino-man up there?]).  And while I have never tried Zima, and even if I had tried Zima, would never admit to such ridiculousness, will mourn the loss of that piece of my childhood it occupied.

Zima reminds me of a better time, the mid 90’s when computers were still big, clunky objects and the Internet was AOL, and only AOL.  By simply going into a chat-room named MP3, or audio, or one of the hundreds of variations, you could have a server send you thousands of MP3’s and you could download them for the next 7 years.  It was so completely illegal and it was before Napster was even an itch it’s creators pants.  Zima is nostalgia, it is a feeling of simpler times (nice cliche, douche) and now it is dead.

RIP ZIMA (because that's what i think the gravestone should look like)

RIP ZIMA (because that's what I think the tombstone would look like)

Zima, a trailblazer.  Without it, we would not have our Mike’s Hard Lemonade, or Smirnoff Ice, or any of the number of shitty malt drinks (what ever happened to 40’s people?) that came since.  I can still remember the commercials.  But an alternative to beer was not good enough for us fickle Americans, we all laughed and mocked Zima, we teased it like the fat chick in high school.  (Not the one who gets an eating disorder and becomes pretty, but the one who eats more and eventually dies a slow, painful, diabetes induced death)  Most of us thought Zima was dead for years, we assumed so because the commercials stopped and we never saw it any liquor store, but it was like a D list celeb, still trying to make it in an industry that is cold and unforgiving.  But dammit, Zima was going strong, it lasted 15 tough years, but in the end pressure from the current economic crises forced Miller and Coors to cut costs, and the first thing to go (other than taste…ayooo) was Zima.

[So are you telling me the fucking banks really killed Zima?]

(Federal Reserve Bank) You killed Zima, you bastards

(Federal Reserve Bank) You killed Zima, you bastards

It’s hard to say if it was the banks, or the guy in the Dino-hat, I mean, both cases make extremely valid points, but really in the end, we killed Zima.  By deciding to not purchase this horrible drink, we forced it’s slow suffocation, and now that little bit of fond memory we have for Zima commercials is gone forever, dead, we killed it.  Or maybe it was this guy…

umm..excuse me, I don't think that's how chairs work

umm..excuse me, I don't think that's how chairs work

Whatever the case, Zima is gone forever.  Miller-Coors said the inventory they currently hold should last until mid-December, so think what a great Christmas gift that would make (I swear to god, if any of you assholes gets me fucking Zima for Christmas, I will personally shove a piece of coal up your ass).  So all we are left to do is ponder how to remember Zima.  I for one, will always remember it as the little drink that could… until it couldn’t, but maybe you can remember it like this.

dude, that doesnt make any sense, Zima was a drink...

dude, that doesnt make any sense, Zima was a drink...


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