Unwatchable

Raise your hand if you’ve ever seen Hard Target.  OK, not too many of you (I counted Zero hands).  OK, now raise your hand if you know who John Woo is?  Some hands went up (I still count Zero, liar).  Hmm, well have you ever seen Face Off?  Yay, OK so John Woo directed both Face Off and Hard Target (aren’t you supposed to put those titles in italics or something?[hey, no one asked you inner monologue]).  Face Off is generally received as an above average action flick, John Travolta (the crazy scientologist) vs. Nicholas Cage (who might have the worst agent in Hollywood, as seen here.)   This movie put John Woo on the North American map as a bonafide action movie director; not an easy feet, what with his previous North American flops.  Such flops as Hard Target. The basic plot of this monumental piece of crap is Jean Claude Van Damme (who will henceforth be referred to as JCVD or Frenchy) plays a drifter/veteran, who is being hunted by a group of really rich people, who hunt homeless people for fun.  While I admit the plot has the makings of a solid action flick, Mr. Woo executed this picture as well as these guys.  I believe Mr. Woo had wanted this movie to be a big splash in America, as he was already a well respected (that’s one word for it) director in Hong Kong, Mr. Woo wanted to dazzle American audiences with a gripping saga of plight in American cities, the resulting carnage it caused, and an emerging hero in the time of chaos.  Unfortunately he got JCVD to be the star of this “movie” and from there, no one could save it.

Look honey, the director of that awful JCVD movie is from there

Look honey, the director of that awful JCVD movie is from there

It is my firm belief that John Woo wanted this to be an epic, a 5 hour masterpiece of both cinema-graphic genius, and superb acting.  After day 1, (and I’m sure they were over budget from the second Mr. Woo said action) Mr. Woo realized JCVD was perhaps the worst actor since, well, ever.  The end result was 30 minutes of usable footage.  Mr. Woo was, no doubt, inconsolable.  His vision ruined, he tried to kill Frenchy, but after soiling himself repeatedly, Mr. Woo couldn’t bare the smell and figured he would let shame and karma take care of JCVD.  Mr. Woo was then left the terrible task of somehow taking all the footage and turning it into a 90 minute motion picture.  What he gave the world should rank as one the 7 wonders of the world of crap.  Mr. Woo (woo rhymes with poo) literally just made every other scene slow-motion, and he replayed action sequences from  different camera angles (also in slow-motion).  (You would literally see JCVD flip someone then you would see that same flip from a different camera angle, so it would take around 45 seconds to watch one guy get flipped.)  He gave up on cinema-graphic novelties for the slow-motion button.  And then for no reason whatsoever, he added the quaker oats guy, not the guy from the packaging but, him.  In the end, we are left with one of the most unwatchable movies since Arnold Schwarzenegger made Raw Deal.  So please avoid this movie at all costs, also anything with this guy in it.

Oh, and did I mention JCVD plays  a guy with a creole accent?  (That should first make you smile, but then cringe in horror as he manages to ruin both America and France in one sweeping moment[sigh]).

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