The Bus

Good morning, if you are reading this then at this moment in time I wish I was dead.  (No, not because of that, in fact the Doctor said it’s just a really bad rash!)  The reason I wish to not be alive anymore is because it is Monday morning, and I am on the bus.  The looks on your faces (yes, I can see through the computer) signal that you are aware of this phenomenon.  The daily grind, as it were, never seems to grind harder than on Monday mornings.  It is on these days when the freak show we call the bus is extraordinarily bad.

Hi, i'll be riding the bus with you

Hi, i'll be riding the bus with you

And i’m one of the better looking people on the bus (there is this one guy…oh god).  Yes, the bus sucks, so does the subway, train, carpool, and any other means you have for getting to work.  So I have a few tips for making your daily commutes as fun as possible.

1.  Make up names for the people you see on a daily/weekly basis.  We know everyone is people watching all the time, why not have some fun with it?  No one is really trying to solve The Metro crossword puzzle, but they know they can’t get caught staring at you, unblinking and drooling.  I find it fun to give my bus peeps some really clever nicknames; something that you can use to easily identify them and something so awful that if they ever heard you use it, would cry for hours on end and call you a “big meanie” in their diaries.

This is my bus buddy, neck labia

This is my bus buddy, neck labia

2.  Always remember, these people are not in the same situation as you.  Sure, you live in the same area of town/the city, and you all work in the same area, maybe even the same office, and yes they even dress similar to you, and maybe are the same age, but you are so much better than these people it’s unmeasurable.  You take the bus because you are conducting a social experiment on losers, not because you have to (that one helps when someone is standing right in your face, with an unintelligent look on their face, and you can swear the only thing keeping them alive is that they are somehow siphoning off your soul, bit by bit).

You know why I'm up on this horse and you're down there?  Because you are losers

You know why I am on this horse and you are down there? Because you are losers

3. Never, under any circumstances, talk to anyone, not even the bus driver.  I know what you’re thinking, “I’m a friendly person, who enjoys mornings and can cheer up even the glummest chap”  Well good for you, now die.  Look, it’s the morning, we are on our way to work, we don’t want to make friends, we want to die, and unless you walk up to me and say “i got a hammer, want to call out sick”, leave me alone.  Some book written along time ago tells us not to do something unless we would want it done to us, and I can’t imagine a sane human being anywhere on this planet that wants to converse with a stranger on their way to work.  (Just thinking about that makes my head want to explode).

You want to talk to me? hold on a sec, let me just...ahh there we go

You want to talk to me? hold on a sec, let me just...ahh there we go

4.  Lastly, you need something to look forward to (other than work, you pathetic degenerate).  We are after all, only human, and can not be expected to work merely for the moment with no expectation of a future reward.  So as you sit on that bus/train/subway/car/etc… think of whatever it is you are working for, and if you got nothing, it’s time to re-asses, because you better be working for something that makes taking the bus worth it.

Not pictured, the bus

Not pictured, the bus


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